History will remember him as the John Dillinger of bears

A bear escaped from his enclosure near Trento, Italy, by scaling a 13-foot electric fence, and went on a nine-month honey-stealing rampage, causing carnage across a 350-mile area of northern Italy, damaging bee hives, attacking a herd of cows and frightening two shepherds by shaking their trailer in an effort to dislodge a trash barrel. He was captured and sent back to find that zoo officials had a female companion waiting for him.

OH GOD NO, NAOMI! WHY! WHY! Police, responding to a report of a dead body wrapped in a blanket by the side of a main road in North Queensland, Australia, said it turned out to be a highly realistic sex doll named Naomi.

IT WASN’T ME, BOB; I THINK IT CAME FROM OVER THERE: When police went to a man’s home in Nottinghamshire, England, to serve him with a warrant for failing to appear in court, he tried to run away, forcing officers to chase him as he headed into the woods in the dark. He crouched down behind a bush, but an ill-timed fart revealed his hiding place.

NICE TRY, GRAMPS: After a 61-year-old man was pulled over during a traffic stop in Fort Pierce, Fla., he tried to get rid of his crack pipe by throwing it out the window. It hit a cop in the face.

REALLY? I WONDER WHAT IT WAS THEN: A heavily intoxicated man called 911 and reported that he had been shot in the buttocks in Poughkeepsie, N.Y., at 2 in the morning. An examination by medical personnel revealed no such injury.

LOOK WHO’S TALKING: A woman was thrown out of the Monkey Bar and Grille in Indialantic, Fla., after she kept trying to randomly kiss strangers, so she called 911 five times to complain that the business was not practicing coronavirus social distancing guidelines.

TRY NOT TO ATTRACT ATTENTION: Two men stole merchandise from a convenience store In Louisa, Va., while wearing hollowed-out watermelon rinds on their heads with holes cut out for their eyes.

WHAT’S THAT MOVING AROUND IN THERE, SIR? A man who crashed his car in Eaton County, Mich., was arrested when police found a stolen German shepherd puppy hidden in his pants.

WHY, OFFICER? ARE YOU A PRUDE OR SOMETHING? Neighbors complained to police that a 56-year-old woman was in the driveway of her Vero Beach, Fla., home with her breasts exposed, walking back and forth around her car and pounding on a recycling bin to make sure people could see her. The cops came and told her to stop it.

JUST DOING WHAT THE VOICES TELL ME TO DO: A homeless woman in Pittsburgh said she received a “prophecy from God” urging her to “throw bricks at white men.” She was chased by a man she targeted, ran into an abandoned Catholic school and hid in the locker room. The woman, who herself is white, was charged with propulsion of missiles, criminal mischief and defiant trespass.

WE CAN WAIT ALL NIGHT, SIR: When police raided the home of a drug dealer in Devon, England, the suspect climbed naked through the skylight up onto the roof still clutching his cannabis. The cops persuaded him to climb back inside.

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