I don’t think that fighting me is the best idea, sir

A man was relaxing in his hot tub in the garden of his home in Staffordshire, England, when “some crazy old man” showed up and challenged him to a fistfight. The 32-year-old homeowner, who once held the title of World’s Strongest Man, is 6-foot-2 and weighs 350 pounds. It didn’t last long.

HERE’S ONE TO GO, ON ME, DIRTBAG!  A crook, armed with a machete, came into a pizza joint in Sussex County, Del., after it was closed for the night, and attempted a robbery. In response, the owner flung a pizza at him, and he ran away.

HEY, WHERE’D ALL THESE COPS COME FROM!? A woman smoking marijuana and playing a game on her phone on a public street in Derbyshire, England, was “too busy getting stoned” to notice cops watching her, and was rather surprised when they closed in on her.

I HAD DRUG MONEY BUT NOT GAMBLING MONEY: A man was arrested after stealing a catalytic converter by cutting through the exhaust pipe of a car in a parking lot in Maricopa, Ariz. He told the cops that he did it because of gambling debts. They found some methamphetamine in his pocket.

APPARENTLY, THEY CAN’T ‘DO THE HUSTLE’: Farmers in Northern Botswana, troubled by elephants trampling their crops, are using disco lights to scare them away. They have found that lines of flashing multi-colored lights set up around their fields in the floodplains near the wildlife-rich Chobe National Park are highly effective at frightening the great beasts.

AH, MEMORIES — SOUTH DAKOTA ON A SATURDAY NIGHT: According to the latest law enforcement statistics, people nationwide spent an average of 172 hours locked up in police custody while drunk over a period of 11 weeks. Nevada accounted for the lowest number at 33, and South Dakota the highest at 468.

I CAME BACK, WHAT’S THE PROBLEM? A man, who arrived in New Zealand from Sydney, Australia, didn’t like that he was confined to a coronavirus quarantine facility for 14 days, so he cut through a fence to visit a liquor store. He was gone for only half an hour.

IS AN EXPLANATION REALLY NECESSARY? About a dozen naked teenagers were spotted running through private land in the beautiful West Monkton area of Taunton, England, at about 7:30 in the morning. They were gone by the time the cops got there. Officers weren’t able to find any explanation for this behavior.

AND YOU HAVE A NICE DAY, TOO, MA’AM: Police in Australia, conducting COVID-19 compliance checks at the homes of people in isolation, have advised citizens to put on clothes when answering the door. But Detective Superintendent Jason Kennedy thanked them for giving officers a “warm reception.”

WHAT, NO PORRIDGE!? A 400-pound bear broke into a cabin near Aspen, Colo., at 1:30 in the morning by forcing the lever handle on the front door, and raided the refrigerator, waking up the owner. The animal took several vicious swipes at him before fleeing. The owner is OK. The bear is being hunted.

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